


Never too much for someone who can't get enough

by herdustisverypretty



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Awkwardness, BAU group chat, Crack, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, Mutual Pining, Texting, Workplace Relationship, chapter 1 is crackish but mostly because Prentiss is drunk, featuring: socially awkward ASD Spence, minor Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss, shameless flirting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-10-08 21:29:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17394056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herdustisverypretty/pseuds/herdustisverypretty
Summary: Hotchner has now been assigned the nickname: Daddysuperbabe: LMFAODaddy: Okay which one of you did thatsuperbabe: you mean it wasnt your idea DADDY? ;)Daddy: First of all, you're fired for calling me that, Prentiss. Second of all, if I find out that it was you who changed my name, you're fired twice. Now which one of you did it and how do I change it backseen by everyone at 10.45pmDaddy: You're all fired now.





	Never too much for someone who can't get enough

**Author's Note:**

> Was about time I wrote smth for this damn show. I'm such a slut for this ship gawd. Also finally I can use all my expertise on psychology and hopefully have people fuckin acknowledge it XD
> 
> So I've been writing this monstrosity since _August_ , heckin AUGUST. I really cannot get a single thing done can I?
> 
> Anyways part 1 of this beast is the BAU group chat that we've always wanted. Part 2 will follow on from the end, and if all goes well part 3 will be a short epilogue to wrap everything up. As of now part 2 is like halfway done. We'll see if I can finish a thing for once I guess. 
> 
> BAU fam's screen names for ref:  
> Hotch: Hotchner  
> Rossi: No but in Italian (it's still no)  
> Morgan: Hot Stuff  
> Garcia: Rainbow☆Kittens  
> Prentiss: superbabe  
> JJ: BAU Mom  
> Reid: Read
> 
> The title is a slightly cut version of a quote by Sasha Exeter.

superbabe: On this fine eve’ I do doth spontaneously crave to discuss philosophy, or some other such smart shit. Who volunteers to engage in an exhilarating exchange of thought-provoking words with me?

Read: Me! ME ME ME ME EM ME!!

Rainbow☆Kittens: how.. did you type that so well Em?

superbabe: bless u even slipped my nickname in there

Read: It was a typo, but it works!

superbabe: ill still take a typo im very willing to accept validity even if it was by accident

Rainbow☆Kittens: EMILY YOU ARE DRUNK HOW DID YOU EVEN WRITE THAT

superbabe: im just that good cutie ;) anyways lets start with paradoxes. seems fun!

Hotchner: Why is Prentiss drunk? It's a weeknight.

superbabe: IM SORY MOM I DIDNT KNOW U WERE MY MOM

No but in Italian (it's still no): Emily, friendly advice that drunk texting your superior is probably not a good idea. Especially when that superior is Hotch.

superbabe: yes thank u DAD

Rainbow☆Kittens: hmm so if Hotch and Rossi are mom and dad, does that make them a thing now?

No but in Italian (it's still no): Please refer to my chat name.

No but in Italian (it's still no): No offense, Aaron.

Hotchner: Where is JJ?

Rainbow☆Kittens: I can track her phone and find out if u want

Hot Stuff: maybe try calling her first, babygirl

Rainbow☆Kittens: oh right lol I’ll do that

Hotchner: Either way, someone find her because she’s the only one who can deal with Prentiss in this state.

_Hotchner has now been assigned the nickname: Daddy_

superbabe: LMFAO

Daddy: Okay which one of you did that

superbabe: you mean it wasnt your idea DADDY? ;)

Daddy: First of all, you're fired for calling me that, Prentiss. Second of all, if I find out that it was you who changed my name, you're fired twice.

superbabe: im OFFENDED, daddy! i didnt do it!

Daddy: You've called me that twice now so you're fired thrice.

superbabe: but

superbabe: im drunk so i get pardoned from anything

Daddy: I was a prosecutor and that's not how it works

Daddy: Now which one of you did it and how do I change it back

_seen by everyone at 10.45pm_

Daddy: You're all fired now.

superbabe: ok just saying but look at reid not me

Read: hey! I agreed to debate philosophy with you!

superbabe: yeah but now im fired thrice apparently so

Hot Stuff: more like fired four times since technically we all just got fired

superbabe: ha u dont know what comes after thrice lmao

Hot Stuff: what?

superbabe: I GOT FIRED THRICE BUT UOU SAIF FOUR TIMES NOT WJAT COMES NEXT! how r u even in the fbi at all smh

Read: That's because there is no word following thrice. There are no further words in that series of counting.

superbabe: huh

Hot Stuff: how are YOU even in the fbi

superbabe: uM RUDE?

superbabe: reid what did u mean tho

Read: I mean there is no equivalent of four in that series.

Hot Stuff: dumb it down a little more kid

superbabe: UM RUDE!!!

Read: Once, twice, thrice is as far as it goes. There's no word for four or any other number following that.

superbabe: oh

Hot Stuff: smh

superbabe: alright ill give u that one coz im drunk also u wouldve asked garcia to google it for you anyway so u didnt look dumb so yes my bad m sory

Hot Stuff: I feel like I should be offended by that but I'm somehow not?

Rainbow☆Kittens: aw honeybun ❤︎

Daddy: Garcia, name

Rainbow☆Kittens: aren't I fired though? I don’t really work for you or the FBI anymore I guess ._.

Daddy: You're reinstated if you fix this

Rainbow☆Kittens: Hm! I have a counter offer!

Hot Stuff: well that can't be good

Daddy: I'm listening

superbabe: SHHHJH GUYS DADDYS LISTENING!!!!!!

Read: maybe someone should take Emily's phone away…

superbabe: scuse me u literal child have some respect for your elders!!!

Read: bitch who's got four doctorates here

Hot Stuff: ice cold!

superbabe: im too drunk to argue so fine smartypants wins >:(

Read: :)

Daddy: Reid, don’t call Prentiss that

superbabe: DADDYS MAD @ U LIL ONE

Read: literally stfu

Daddy: I don’t know what that means but I’m choosing to ignore it for now. Garcia?

Rainbow☆Kittens: RIGHT. What would I get if, say, I revealed your traitor to you?

superbabe: wait wat

Daddy: Explain

Rainbow☆Kittens: You're talking to the supreme overlord of technology. I can easily find out who changed your username.

Daddy: Interesting offer.

superbabe: IM NOT SAYING I DID IT BUT

superbabe: garcia youre the real traitor here

Rainbow☆Kittens: love ya~ ^3^

Daddy: All right, Garcia, in exchange for that, how about I don’t actually fire you?

Rainbow☆Kittens: Oh. Playing dirty. That’s cold.

superbabe: GARCIA. PENELOPE. BABY. PENNY

Rainbow☆Kittens: Baby? Penny?

superbabe: got ur attention ay ;) morgan isnt the only one who can play that game ;) ;) ;)

Hot Stuff: not sure I like this

Read: seriously someone confiscate Emily’s phone

superbabe: go suck a dick reid also its fine ive got jj with me shes keepin me outta trouble ;)

Rainbow☆Kittens: wait hold up

Hot Stuff : JJ’s with you?

superbabe: um

superbabe: ASJKF SHES YELLIN  AT ME NOW CAUSE I TOLD YOU SHES HERE APARENTLY THAT WAS MEANT TO BE A SECRET????

Rainbow☆Kittens: interesting…

superbabe: SHE JUST

superbabe: SHE JUST FUCKING HIT ME

superbabe: ABUSE!@!!!! HOTCH FIRE HER

Read: he already did, sorta I guess…

superbabe: OH M GOD SOMEONE STOP HER OWOOOW FU;l/

Hot Stuff: uhhh??? are we witnessing a murder in real time?

Daddy: Prentiss? What's going on?

BAU Mom: I took her phone :) It’s fine now :)

Hot Stuff: well that ain’t terrifying…

Daddy: Right… JJ, please prevent Prentiss from accessing… well, anything, until she sobers up.

BAU Mom: On it, Daddy!

Daddy: Please not you too, I can’t fire everyone in the BAU

BAU Mom: Okay don’t worry Hotch it’s really easy to change :) Just press the little … in the corner of the screen and it’ll let you remove any nicknames you’ve been given :)

Hotchner: Thank you, JJ

BAU Mom: Not a problem! :)

Rainbow☆Kittens: Aw I’m almost sad now

Hot Stuff: it WAS pretty funny

Hotchner: I feel so appreciated…

Rainbow☆Kittens: Anyway still want me to find your bad guy?

Hotchner: I’d rather you didn’t actually do anything invasive to the team.

Rainbow☆Kittens: Too late I already found out.

Rainbow☆Kittens: Pretty interesting result!

Hot Stuff: my money’s on Rossi. 100% BAU parents. he's got it for Hotch

No but in Italian (it's still no): Again, please refer to my chat name.

No but in Italian (it's still no): I think I'm more of the team's cool uncle anyway.

No but in Italian (it's still no): If you disagree with me, you have to play Mario Kart with me and, as Emily so eloquently pointed out: respect your elders. And your Rainbow Roads.

Hot Stuff: …you know none of us can beat you at that damn game

No but in Italian (it's still no): Exactly. Experience, kid, I age like a fine wine. So does Rainbow Road.

Rainbow☆Kittens: He's right, gorgeous, it wasn't Uncle Rossi :)

No but in Italian (it's still no): Thank you!

No but in Italian (it's still no): Though as curious as I am about who thought this nickname business would be amusing, might I advise you to not announce it in our group chat?

Hotchner: I agree. I appreciate your dedication to clearing my name as it were, but it’s not necessary to name names here. Casual, remember?

BAU Mom: Lots of excitement for one night :)

No but in Italian (it's still no): Indeed, JJ. How about you focus on putting Emily to bed now though? I think we could all do with some rest, in fact.

Hotchner: Good idea. Everyone go to bed. And don’t be late to the office in the morning. That's an order.

BAU Mom: I’ll make sure Emily is well caffeinated :)

Hot Stuff: order? thought you weren't our boss here!

 

* * *

 

 

Rainbow☆Kittens: Hey boss man, this is a private chat with just us. Can I tell you your perp now?

Hotchner: I’m not actually that desperate to know, Garcia. We all agreed this was a casual way to communicate, that I’m not your boss in this forum. I thought everyone knew I was playing along…

Rainbow☆Kittens: Very sweet, sir, and yes, we all knew, but I think you’d still like to know my findings.

Hotchner: And why do you say that?

Rainbow☆Kittens: Cause it was Reid who did it

_seen by Hotchner at 11:03pm_

Rainbow☆Kittens: Sir? You there?

Hotchner: Yes. Again, I appreciate your dedication, Garcia, but let’s make another agreement not to hack our friends, okay?

Rainbow☆Kittens: Yeah ok. Party pooper :P

Rainbow☆Kittens: A word of advice though sir?

Rainbow☆Kittens: Maybe go have a chat with your troublemaker ^v~☆

 

* * *

 

 

Hotchner: Reid

Read: yeah?

Hotchner: You changed my name

Read: is that a statement or a question?

Hotchner: You tell me

Read: am I in trouble here or something?

Hotchner: We agreed this was a casual chat

Read: yeah, and does that still apply when this isn’t the group chat?

Hotchner: Can I ask why you did it?

Read: I thought this was a casual chat. you’re not my boss here etc etc

Hotchner: Reid

Read: why does it matter? just a joke. casual chat, remember?

Hotchner: We’re profilers, Reid

Read: and?

Hotchner: Lying to me isn’t in your best interests

Read: right.

Hotchner: Reid

Read: stop saying that

Hotchner: Your name?

Read: like you’re a disappointed parent

Hotchner: This is a written exchange. You can’t hear my tone of speech.

Read: we’re profilers, Hotch. also I know you, and I know you know this

Hotchner: Are you going to tell me what this is about?

Read: what what’s about?

Hotchner: I’ll quote you and myself: we’re profilers. Don’t think I haven’t noticed your behaviour.

Read: then what’s your point with this?

Hotchner: I’d prefer you didn’t keep secrets

Read: I keep a lot of secrets. we all do. don't tell me you don't keep things from me.

Hotchner: Spencer

_seen by Read at 11:15pm_

Hotchner: Spencer?

Read: yeah

Hotchner: Talk to me

Read: you’re not my therapist

Hotchner: No, I’m not. I thought I was your friend

Read: aren’t you my boss?

Hotchner: I also thought we established that I’m not your boss here

Read: right

Hotchner: Then?

Read: then what? if we’re profilers and we don’t work together here, profile me. the rule of not profiling the team doesn’t apply here right?

Hotchner: …Okay

Hotchner: Earlier during the group chat you used proper grammar and punctuation. You were polite and engaged. After my name was changed, you lost some of that formality, but not because you were more comfortable with the addition of the joke. You were nervous when Prentiss suggested you made the change, and you dropped capitalisation, used abbreviations, and swore. The only times I see you do that are when you're drunk or when you're being defensive, and I’m assuming you’re not drunk now. You cared less about typing properly as you became more stressed. When I confronted you here, you answered shortly as if uncomfortable, and you ended your responses with periods, a tone of finality. Again, you were defensive. You didn't want me to confront you.

Read: so what

Hotchner: When I enter the room you stiffen up. If I stand close to you, you move closer, but then quickly move away again as though you realised what you were doing. On the jet you almost always sit beside me, and it's often a little closer than necessary.

Read: you almost never stop or interrupt me when I'm infodumping. you listen and frequently you even smile. you only ever stop me if we’re really short on time. you LIKE listening to me ramble.

Hotchner: You’re deflecting the focus from yourself. I'll continue.

Hotchner: You also mimic my behaviour when you're with me, which you don't do with anyone else on the team

Read: you're my mentor, my teacher in the FBI. seems normal to me

Read: also when Emily told me to suck a dick you didn't tell her off like you told me when I said something crude. makes you wonder if perhaps you were imagining her suggestion. the question is, who were you imagining me with?

Hotchner: I didn't say you could profile me

Read: standard rules don't apply here remember? you're not my boss and I can profile you if I want

Hotchner: So what DO you want from all this? Why did you tell me to profile you? What do you want me to say?

Read: I want to know if I'm right

Hotchner: You're always right, Reid

Read: I’m not and that doesn't answer me

Hotchner: What do you want to be right about?

Read: you tell me

Hotchner: Alright, fine, since you're being stubborn. You're attracted to me.

Read: that's your final conclusion then?

Hotchner: Not quite. It still doesn't answer what you were asking.

Read: then say what you have to say

Hotchner: It isn’t one-sided

_seen by Read at 11:26pm_

Hotchner: Spencer?

Read: I think this goes against FBI rules or something…

Hotchner: Or something? You're not definitive on that?

Read: I really don't want to think about rules right now…

Hotchner: So what would you prefer to think about?

Read: distance of your place from mine

Hotchner: I imagine you have an exact answer to that, of course?

Read: given current time, traffic, and optimal route, about 28 minutes

Hotchner: Why does that sound like an eternity?

Read: I could answer that but I'm choosing not to since I think it was rhetorical.

Read: soooo, was that a “yes please come over right now”?

Hotchner: I don’t know if that’s a good idea

Read: why not?

Hotchner: It’s a spontaneous decision. You’re not thinking clearly and I’m not thinking clearly. Better to hold off contact until our minds have settled.

Read: I don’t like that response

Hotchner: I know

Read: is that what you really want? to not see me? right now? you really want to just end the day like this? without me? without seeing me? you really don't want to have me right there?

Hotchner: Spencer… You're using your words against me by implying things…

Read: I’m right aren’t I? you want to see me just as much as I want to see you

Hotchner: It’s not a matter of ‘want’

Read: so what IS it a matter of?

Hotchner: I’m not sure I trust you at the moment. Or myself.

Read: you don’t trust yourself? with what?

Hotchner: You’re baiting me now.

Read: :)

Hotchner: You know what I mean.

Read: yeeeah, but I want you to put it in words

Hotchner: You’re a brat.

Read: yep :) now answer me. please?

Hotchner: … I don’t trust myself to resist you. I know if you were before me I wouldn't be able to hold back. There, happy?

Read: I’d be happier if I could actually see you right now

Hotchner: I know…

Read: well, good thing I already left like 10 minutes ago!

Hotchner: Reid!

Read: what happened to Spencer :(

Hotchner: … You really are a brat. Spencer.

Read: I sure am :P BUT that's one of the things you love about me

Hotchner: It is…

Read: :)

Hotchner: So, how long ago is ‘like 10 minutes’?

Read: I'll be at your door in about fifteen to sixteen minutes now

Hotchner: I'd have figured you'd have it down to the milliseconds

Read: well yeah I know that too but I don't really care about details right now to be honest

Hotchner: This side of you is cute, you know

Read: ‘cute’

Hotchner: You don't like me calling you that?

Read: no it's not that it's just. it surprised me a little I guess

Hotchner: It surprised you?

Read: I don't know, you calling someone, let alone ME, cute is kinda surreal

Hotchner: Is it that much of a surprise that I can use the word cute?

Read: kind of, yeah

Hotchner: You have a lot to learn about me then

Read: like what exactly?

Hotchner: That I find you very cute. Utterly adorable in fact.

Read: aaaah that is. so odd to me. wow

Hotchner: I bet your expression is cute right now too. You're adorable when you're confused.

Read: I think my brain is broken. fairly certain it might explode or something. would be awkward in a taxi. probably messy. certainly rude to the driver.

Hotchner: Are you blushing?

Read: WOW don't ask me that or I might have a heart attack too.

Hotchner: Usually when I see you flustered you become more articulate, hastily talking in facts and statistics. Why is this time the opposite?

Read: probably because I'm not really interested in thinking facts right now. I mean yeah it's wild I didn't say “a myocardial infarction due to intense emotion and significantly elevated heart rate as well as adrenaline, oxytocin, serotonin, etc" but does it REALLY matter? also I have shaky hands in general anyway so typing is kind of annoying. you know I've always preferred phone calls.

Hotchner: That didn't answer my question

Read: because I've never had someone I care about this much talk to me like this. or anyone talk to me like this really. I've kind of lost all brain function and I think I’m okay with it

Hotchner: Remember to breathe, Spencer :)

Read: you're trying to kill me…

Hotchner: Yes because that would do wonders for my career

Read: death by hotch… I can accept it. gladly

Hotchner: So how close are you?

Read: SORRY WHAT

Hotchner: To my place?

Read: oh. right. right

Hotchner: What did you think I was referring to?

Read: nothing. I'm about to reach your building though

Hotchner: I'll be waiting :)

**Author's Note:**

> Reid's a feisty little flirt when he's behind a screen. He's considerably less confident in person. But you'll see that soon. 
> 
> I wrote this almost entirely on my phone, and am only able to edit it on a proper laptop with a mostly proper keyboard due to my lovely friend @ thecouchwitch graciously letting me use it while she plays Breath of the Wild on the TV. tldr; ples forgive any potential errors I may have overlooked orz
> 
> Uhhhh I think this is set after Hotch and Haley separate but before episode 100 btw. Maybe??? idfk. it's set whenever appropriate just go along with it
> 
> Again like I said I have part 2 like halfway written, so HOPEFULLY it won't take me 20 years to finish it. pray to the smut gods that I write swiftly.
> 
> (pls comment if u r enjoying this btw i'd really really appreciate it and it will motivate me to write more thnxxxx)


End file.
